Sometimes when I think about my relationship I get one of those blissful ‘pinch me’ moments when your perception shifts and you suddenly feel the tingle of something profound.
It happened again this morning as I sat sipping tea from my giant blue striped mug, tapping away at my laptop keys and contemplating the week ahead.
I glanced up from the screen and caught my man’s eye as he bustled about doing the Monday morning chores (mainly picking up the Lego we’ve been stepping on all weekend). And as he treated me to one of his cheeky, slightly boyish grins it hit me – somehow in the crazy chaos between my obsession with crystals and constant talk about my growing business, our home filled with dogs, a primary schooler, two teens and his passions for graphic design and conspiracy theories, we’re totally in tune and it feels so right.
Perhaps you’re thinking a fleeting moment of recognition between a couple doesn’t mean very much.
But believe me, when I wind back the clock ten or twelve years and look at how the old, traumatised me ‘did’ relationships it’s like looking at a completely different woman.
It’s true that I’m fortunate to have found this soulmate who actually wants to put up with me, warts and all. And he probably deserves a medal. But I know that if I hadn’t worked honestly on my unhelpful patterns, shifted my flawed thinking about men and taken a fresh perspective on relationships I’d never have been ready for this sweet, secure, harmonious kind of love that feels so perfect and simple right now.
Having made the mastery of relationships my life and work over the past ten years, when women ask me how to decide they’re ready for love after feeling like they might never be at ease with a man I’m happy to share the key aspects of my transformation that made a powerful difference for me.
Here goes:
You need love from a partner, you need approval from yourself
Making constant demands on men for approval and reassurance meant that I limited my opportunity to receive their love. They had no energy left to offer what they actually wanted to give.
Love and approval are different things. You must learn to discern.
Once I learned to validate and accept myself I became far less of an emotional drain in relationships – my partner actually finds it a joy to love me rather than feeling like he constantly has to strive to prove he cares.
Approve of yourself, and you’re ready to receive real love.
Men are not from a different planet after all
My miserable past experience married to a misogynist, too much social conditioning from 1990s women’s magazines and listening far too closely to fierce feminist messages in my Mother’s old self-help books left me believing that all men were poor communicators, sneaky cheaters or greedy takers.
It’s 2018 but if you gave me a £1 coin for every woman I’ve met who still thinks this way I’d be driving a Bentley by now.
I needed to alleviate my anger with compassion.
Once I woke up to the truth that each individual man is simply a fallible human being, just like me, I let go of my false ideas about the male agenda. The reality is that we’re all working through our own emotional layers, learning how to speak with clarity and navigate power when it comes to relationships.
Stop telling yourself that men are an alien species and you’re ready to develop relationship skills alongside a real, human one.
Relationships are never at the mercy of fate and destiny
I thought that finding my ‘soulmate’ was a matter of luck. I believed that because relationships involve someone other than just me they were impossible to shape or control. I accepted the role of victim who learned nothing from her pain and took no responsibility for her plight.
I had to stop making excuses or my destiny in love would have remained clouded with doom.
Once I started to use my relationship experiences as valuable fuel for my learning and growth I understood that what happens between two people is a matter of choice. I learned how to take a breath from the trauma so that I could see my part in the drama and modify my behaviour to create different results. The work paid off.
Trust that relationships can be consciously created and you’re ready for your happy ending.
I can’t wait to chat with you…

Rhian xoxo