Couples who want to work on improving their relationships often have to do quite a bit of self reflection. I know from personal experience that changing my perspective on relationships and love was super helpful.
It’s true that I’m fortunate to have a partner who actually wants to make our marriage work, warts and all. And he probably deserves a medal. But I know that if I hadn’t worked honestly on my unhelpful patterns, shifted my flawed thinking about relationships and taken a fresh perspective I’d never been able to enjoy the sweet, secure, harmonious kind of love that feels so perfect and simple right now.
Having made the mastery of relationships my life and work over the past ten years, when couples ask me for insights about how they can develop a healthier outlook on being together after years of thinking that they’ll never be happy again, I’m happy to share these 3 key shifts of thinking that make a huge impact.
You need love from a partner, you need approval from yourself
Making constant demands on each other for approval and reassurance means you limit your opportunity to receive love. You have no energy left to receive actually what your partner actually wants to give.
Love and approval are different things. You must learn to discern.
Once I learned to validate and accept myself I became far less of an emotional drain in relationships – my partner actually finds it a joy to love me rather than feeling like he constantly has to strive to prove he cares.
Approve of yourself, and you’re ready to receive real love.
Men and women are not from a different planet after all
I meet a lot of couples who’s lives are clouded with anger towards the opposite sex because of assumptions that are not even true.
It’s 2019 but if you gave me a £1 coin for every woman I’ve met who still thinks that all men are poor communicators, sneaky cheaters or greedy takers, I’d be driving a Bentley by now.
Men also make ridiculous assumptions about women – like they’re all poor money managers, they make every drama into a crisis or that they’ll never be willing to trust.
It’s so important to see the truth and alleviate your anger with compassion.
Wake up to the truth that each individual man or woman is simply a fallible human being, just like you. Let go of false ideas about your partner’s agenda. The reality is that we’re all working through our own emotional layers, learning how to speak with clarity and navigate power when it comes to relationships.
Stop telling yourself that men or women are an alien species and you’re ready to develop relationship skills alongside a real, human partner!
Relationships are not actually at the mercy of fate and destiny
I once thought that finding my ‘soulmate’ was a matter of luck. I believed that because relationships involve someone other than just me they were impossible to shape or control. I accepted the role of victim who learned nothing from her pain and took no responsibility for her plight.
I had to stop making excuses or my destiny in love would have remained clouded with doom.
Once I started to use my relationship experiences as valuable fuel for my learning and growth I understood that what happens between two people is a matter of choice.
I learned how to take a breath from the trauma so that I could see my part in the drama and modify my behaviour to create different results. The work paid off.
Nowadays this is something I love showing couples how to do.
Trust that relationships can be consciously created and you’re ready for your happy ending.
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