It’s really surprising how many intelligent, successful couples I meet who are confident and in control of their lives but contact me feeling hopeless about their relationship with no idea how to create a better outcome.

What’s going on?

If this sounds like you it’s time to take a breath together and see that you’ve been approaching love on the back foot.

You’ll see that you haven’t been intentional. The main issue is that you’re not working together to create the kind of relationship that helps you thrive.

This is where the idea of conscious relating is such a game changer, especially when BOTH partners are on the same page. Chances are that if your relationship has ticked the wrong boxes so far, it’s been quite the opposite.

There are three things that cause problems for couples when love isn’t consciously co-created. Take a look at what’s been going on and see if any of this rings true:

You haven’t felt equal

  • Commitment levels have been miles apart.
  • You each feel like you, individually, have to make all the effort.
  • You each believe that the relationship doesn’t seem like a priority to the other.

There’s no awareness of what’s needed

  • Your interactions together are filled with reaction instead of response.
  • Negative patterns and dysfunctional behaviours are ignored and end up being repeated.
  • Nothing changes and there doesn’t seem to be any glimmer of personal growth.

The relationship has little or no value

  • Physical intimacy has been taken for granted and become disconnected and unfulfilling.
  • You’ve only stayed together because you couldn’t imagine anything better or you feel obliged.
  • You feel like there’s no interest in or support for your future aspirations and you each feel unimportant to the other.

Having been stuck in this kind of relationship rut in the past my only choice was to jump on the train of awakening. This meant opening to the idea that healthy love is enjoyed by intentional partners who are wide awake and pulling together in the same direction – consciously co-creating.

It resulted in my finding an awakened partner whose eyes were as wide open as my own. I encourage couples who are seeking change to aspire to the following three things for their relationships.

Be a couple who champions equality

  • You’re prepared to develop a shared vision for your life together.
  • You’re each keen to contribute your share of energy towards the goals you prioritise.
  • You’ll take shared responsibility for the results your relationship creates.

Be a couple who’s committed to constructive awareness

  • Own your ‘stuff’ and make a commitment to self improvement.
  • Purposefully support each other to fulfil your human potential – to learn and grow in a safe container together.
  • Understands that communication is gold and work hard to establish shared meaning and create solutions that feel great.

Be a couple who prioritises your relationship

  • Know that intimacy is valuable and treat your physical love like a blessing.
  • Feel driven to love and be loved – intentionally makes yourselves loveable to one another.
  • Offer each other complete support for your individual vision, goals and mission – value your partner’s individual needs as highly as your own.

So here’s the burning question – can you wake your partner up and make them conscious so that they’ll magically become a partner who adds value to your life?

Unfortunately I think the simplest answer here is NO. It’s true that we’re all capable of change and that we can learn and grow when the container of relationship provides the right environment.

But it’s not your job to transform your lover – they must have a burning desire and strong intention to do their own inner work themselves.

We are all human – you do not have to be perfect. We are all work in progress. But it is important that you can intentionally create leverage in your relationship together.

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